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There's Something About Maron/Transcript
DISCLAIMER TURTLE: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cuts to a rainy area where the Spice Boys are approaching a group of innocent people) OLD MAN: No! Please! Leave us alone! We were just renting this house! We never meant to-- (everyone get killed by the Spice Boys, who all bow down do Garlic Jr.) GARLIC JR.: (thinking) Yes! Though this rain may wash these fools away, the blood that soon shall flow no storm shall meet the task! I will cover this world in a darkness so thick and chilly, the only rival shall be the hell in which I spent all those years. (shows a flashback of Garlic Jr. falling into the Dead Zone) Brace your bitter selves, you worms, for I, Garlic Jr., shall soon rule you all!! SEQUENCE (cut to underwater) DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: In the great lakes near Mount Paozu, there is a breed of Pauzu tuna clinging at life in its saltwater habitat. Fished near to extinction by the inhabitants, they are slowly making headway back to a sustainable population. (shows Gohan swimming underwater and punching one fish out of the water, along with three more following suit) Oh, sweet salty Christ, no... (Gohan emerges from the water) KRILLIN: Hey, Gohan! Goin' fishing? GOHAN: Yep! With Dad gone, I’m the breadwinner now! What's with the weird clothes, Krillin? (shows Krillin wearing a fancy white suit) KRILLIN: Ah-ah-ah! My name is no longer Krillin. My new name is Juan Sanchez. GOHAN: I'm compelled to ask why. KRILLIN: Well, before we left for Namek, I took out a huge life insurance policy on myself, and left it all to my twin brother. GOHAN: But you don’t have a tw-- Wait, your last name's Sanchez? KRILLIN: And it paid off in triple because I died off-planet! They said, "Don't worry, there's no way you're gonna die out in space!" Showed them! GOHAN: Well, I'm still gonna call you Krillin. KRILLIN: So, what do you think of my new ride? (shows a red car on top of a hill) GOHAN: Eh, it's a nice car, I guess? KRILLIN: Not what I was referring to. (Maron is seen stepping out of the car) MARON: Juan! I broke a nail. Can I have a thousand dollars? KRILLIN: You can have two! Gohan, I am an excellent boyfriend. GOHAN: Krillin, how did you meet this woman? KRILLIN: We met at the bank. I was there picking up my life insurance money, and she was there depositing her money from her night job. I think she’s a waitress or something, because she was depositing a lot of fives and ones. MARON: And me and my dear sweety little chestnut fell deeply, truly in love! KRILLIN: She says I have a very rich personality... MARON: And a wealth of knowledge! KRILLIN: And her boobs are as big as my head! GOHAN: I had made the comparison. KRILLIN: So, you going to the party tonight? GOHAN: I dunno. Mom wasn't a huge fan of that Walking Dead theme party. WALKING ZED NARRATOR: Previously, on TFS' The Walking Zed... (shows Yamcha biting Piccolo's neck, the latter screaming out in pain) (cut back to Gohan) GOHAN: But I think I can make it. KRILLIN: See you later, Gohan! MARON: Goodbye, Gonad! See you at Master Hoashie's! (Krillin and Maron drive off, with "Gold Digger" by Kanye West playing from inside the car) GOHAN: Eh, say what you want. They're a good couple. (cut to Piccolo standing in the middle of a deserted wasteland) NAIL: (You ever think about buying a house?) PICCOLO: (thinking) Oh yeah, let me get right on that with all that money I don’t have. NAIL: (Well, you ever thought about getting a job?) PICCOLO: (thinking) I'm a green slug man. No amount of affirmative action is going to get me a job. NAIL: (If you say so. By the way, that old guy’s been standing there for like fifteen minutes; maybe you should say something.) (shows Kami standing behind Piccolo) PICCOLO: (thinking) Ugh, fine. (out loud to Kami) What do you want, Kami? KAMI: Mr. Popo's kicked me off the lookout for the night. Apparently he has a "booty call". (cut to Kami's Lookout at nighttime, with bed rocking sounds being heard inside) JYNX: Jynx! Jynx! Jynx! MR. POPO: Shut up, bitch-- you love it. (cut back to Piccolo and Kami) KAMI: Last time he did this I found five corpses. He laughed when I said "five". PICCOLO: Well, what do you want from me? KAMI: I was hoping I could stay at your house. PICCOLO: I don't have a house! NAIL: (See? What'd I tell you?) PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail! KAMI: Is someone in there? NAIL: (Hello, Kami!) PICCOLO: He can't hear you. KAMI: Actually, I can. (telepathically to Nail) Hello, there. Who are you? NAIL: (I'm Nail. I'm a Namekian Piccolo fused with on Namek.) KAMI: You do know that technique is forbidden, Piccolo. PICCOLO: Your FACE is forbidden! NAIL: (Sadly, that was the best one up here.) PICCOLO: SHUT IT, NAIL! (cut to Kame House, with the radio playing "American Woman" by Lenny Kravitz) BULMA: So, nice of you to bring your new girlfriend here, "Juan". YAMCHA: Yeah, not gonna lie, at first we kinda thought you brought home a hooker. BULMA: Yamcha! YAMCHA: Well, we did. KRILLIN: I can assure you that my darling beautiful Maron is no hooker. MARON: Well, that depends. Sometimes I take extra cash in the back room, but those were always under the table, so I don't think they count. YAMCHA: How much extra? MARON: How much ya got? YAMCHA: Well, I am a professional baseball pla-- (gets knocked aside by Bulma) Ahh! BULMA: Okay, first off, no one screws Yamcha but life. Second of all, blue hair? Real original. Third, Juan, don't you have any other friends you can take Maron to meet? KRILLIN: Well, we saw Gohan earlier, but he was busy pounding the tuna. (everyone minus Maron stare at Krillin) What? With Goku gone, Chi-Chi needs someone to do it. (Master Roshi starts chuckling off-screen) We also stopped by Korin and Yajirobe's, but... (cut to Korin's Tower) KRILLIN: This brunch is delicious, Yajirobe! YAJIROBE: Thank you, I cooked everything myself. MARON: So, if you two had babies, would they be little fat men or kitties? KRILLIN: And we are leaving! KORIN: Probably fat kitties. (cut back to Kame House) KRILLIN: I don't think I'll be taking her back there again. (cut to later and the gang is celebrating while "Happy Birthday" by Weird Al Yankovic plays on the raidio) EVERYONE: Happy birthday! (everyone clinks a drink in the air) TURTLE: (tearfully) Thank you! Thank you all so much for remembering my one thousandth birthday! And for this marvelous cake! (shows a gigantic cake on the table ignited with at least one thousand candles at once) MASTER ROSHI: Isn't that thing kind of a fire hazard? GOHAN: Well, of course, Turtle. You're our very best friend! OOLONG: My birthday was last week, and I didn't get a party... YAMCHA: You've been there for us from the very beginning! OOLONG: Anyone remember when I saved the world from Pilaf...? CHI-CHI: Like a member of the family, I say! OOLONG: Seriously, I live upstairs... MARON: Oh, my gosh, someone got whoever's birthday it is a turtle! Can I have a turtle? KRILLIN: Sure! MARON: (sees Turtle) Oh, can it be this turtle? KRILLIN: Of course! TURTLE: Wait, what? KRILLIN: Turtle, be my wingman on this one. If I get some, I swear to God I will send you pictures. TURTLE: Deal. MASTER ROSHI: (still worrying about the burning cake) Seriously, maybe we wanna blow this out before something catches on-- (fire ignites his beard off-screen) Ahhh! My beard! My glorious beard! No! (Cut to nighttime where everyone is sleeping upstairs. Krillin is seen on the front porch looking up at the sky.) TURTLE: Hey, Krillin. What are you doing out here? Why aren't you upstairs sleeping with your girlfriend like everyone else? KRILLIN: Oh... Hey, Turtle. I'm just up thinking to myself. TURTLE: What'cha thinking about? KRILLIN: It's just... I'm not sure if Maron loves me for who I really am. It's all presents and traveling and caviar and... TURTLE: Beluga? KRILLIN: No, Paozu tuna. TURTLE: Wow, that's rare. KRILLIN: And it’s just... I just don’t know if she loves Juan... or Juan’s money. TURTLE: How much money do you have? KRILLIN: About 5.7 million. TURTLE: Didn't you get me a gift card from the Gap? KRILLIN: Not what we're talking about! TURTLE: Okay, look. If she really does love you for who you are, then you have to tell her the truth. Open up to her, it's the only way. KRILLIN: Are you sure that'll work? TURTLE: Well, if it doesn't, you could always get her a giant pearl. (music stops) What? Bitch is a gold digger. (cut to Krillin and Maron walking in a city, with Krillin carrying a ton of presents) MARON: Okay, first we're gonna go buy Lush because all of their soaps look like cakes and I wanna eat them! Oh, and I hope you remembered to make those reservations for L'Anus Serré at 7:30; I hear they’re very uptight. KRILLIN: (thinking) Man, can I really go through with this? She seems so happy... (looks at Maron’s butt) No! No, Krillin! Stop focusing on that perfect, heart-shaped pillow of an ass! Tonight, you will tell her; and then you will tap that! Please tap that...! (cut to Krillin and Marron walking in a beach at sunset) MARON: Oh, my God, I just love nice walks on the beaches. Oh, do you think if I swim out far enough, I'd reach Australia? Oh, my God, can we go on a Sandals vacation? KRILLIN: Listen, Maron... I need to talk to you. MARON: Oh, don't worry, Juan-Ton, I made the reservations for you, so you don't have to worry about it. KRILLIN: Actually, I... need to come clean. See, my name isn't actually Juan Sanchez. It's... Krillin. MARON: That is a silly name. *gasp* I'll call you Krilly-Billy! KRILLIN: That's not everything... You see, all this money I own is actually from my own life insurance policy. From when I died. On another planet. Blown up by an evil space emperor but was then brought back to life by a magical dragon. MARON: Uhhh-huh. KRILLIN: But what I really want to ask Maron is... do you love me for me, or do you just love me for my money? MARON: Ohh, Krilly-Billy. Of course I don't just love you for your money. KRILLIN: Y-You really mean that? MARON: I never loved you at all! KRILLIN: (falls over to the ground) Oh... (gets up) Well, can we at least still try the sex stuff? MARON: No, Krillin, you don't understand! I was never really your girlfriend. See, I'm with the States Fraud Bureau and you just confessed to a LOT of insurance fraud; which I recorded. (Krillin's jaw drops on the ground) KRILLIN: Wait, you have a recorder on you? Where? MARON: In my boobs! KRILLIN: Curses! The one place I couldn't reach! I'm going to prison, aren't I? MARON: Well, normally you would, but do you have any idea what they'd do to guys like you? No, you'll just have to pay back everything you owe. KRILLIN: Wait, what about all the money I spent on you? MARON: You'll just have to pay that out of pocket! KRILLIN: BUT I DROPPED OVER 500 GRAND ON YOU! MARON: Honey, I work for the government. I never claimed to be a good person. (Krillin Owned Count: 29) (cut to an outside shot of Kame House) KRILLIN: And that's why I need a place to stay. MASTER ROSHI: Heh, I'll go blow up the air mattress. KRILLIN: I do have to admit though, it's nice being a free man again. No women nipping at my heels... Know what I mean? (a plane arrives at the island with Chi-Chi jumping out) CHI-CHI: All right, I demand to know who has been spreading rumors that I've been forcing Gohan to, and I quote, "Pound my tuna"! KRILLIN: Look, Chi-Chi, if it really upsets you, we'll all take turns pounding your tuna, okay? But only if we get to eat it together. (Master Roshi chuckling loudly off-screen) SEQUENCE STINGER (cut to Kami's Lookout where Mr. Popo is humming and watering pot) MR. POPO: Hm? (The Spice Boys start wreaking havoc all over the lookout, laughing and even destroying the pot Mr. Popo was watering, before stopping in front of the entrance and kneels down to Garlic Jr., who's walking outside the entrance.) GARLIC JR.: *chuckles* The view hasn't changed a bit! MR. POPO: (unfazed) Clean that up. GARLIC JR.: I beg your pardon? Have you any inkling in that simple little head of yours who you're speaking to? MR. POPO: Oh, please, do go on. GARLIC JR.: I am the usurper of this proud throne your worthless guardian holds so dear. I am Garlic Jr., returned from the wretched abyss known as the Dead Zone. And I have come for what's rightfully mine-- (a black substance starts wafting up into his face) What's going on? I don't remember releasing the Black Water Mist just yet-- Oh, god! No! Augh, get it off me! (Garlic Jr. and the Spice Boys all scream in terror as the camera zooms up to Mr. Popo's eyes and Garlic Jr. is last seen falling into a dark abyss. Kami arrives at the lookout.) KAMI: Mr. Popo, I'm back, and I-- oh, my me! What happened to the lookout? MR. POPO: Oh, don’t mind this, Kami. I just had a bit of Italian for dinner. KAMI: What does that have to do with-- MR. POPO: 'CAUSE IT WAS NOTHIN' BUT GARLIC!